The subject of this report is Acid Dreams, admittedly chosen for it's Dr Strangelovian plot synopsis on URentDVDs. And here we go~
First of all, the fuckin' thing at the beginning about not giving porn to kids was in like motherfucking twelve languages. OKAY, WE GET IT. They even had like... the French for France and the French for Switzerland. You know, last time I was in Switzerland, there really wasn't a difference between the two. And also, last time I checked, Russia speaks Russian, not whatever language that was. GÜFA OH NOES.
Anyway, movie begins and we got some random scene where it switches from like a place by the tracks with an obstetrics chair:
An engine room:
And some chicks with some dude:
I AM INTRIGUED, especially when like... suit man dies, obstetrics chair guy loses his shit and... well, the chicks just keep being weird whores. You know how it is. After whatever the fuck that three-scene was, it's credits time!
That, of course, being the best pun in the credits. Ah, and the most terrifying part of the credits was this:
WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE THAT MANY LABIA RINGS?! The chick also looks like a man. Anyway, if we're going by the credits, there are gonna be three women in this. I'll call them:
Anyway, opening credits: they all glass dildo one another, give what I suppose is trying to be a 'come hither' look, fuck some dude in a suit, get fucked by some dude in a suit, enjoy that tasty saltiness of jizz, et cetera. Then everything goes black-and-white and it goes back to the 1950s or some shit like that... until a half-minute passes and it's back to random scenes of a chick in a wedding dress...
Same chick getting banged against the stairs, giving a blow job, getting a pearl necklace.... what the fuck, are we gonna get some real story too, or are we just gonna have a bunch of random-ass scenes thrown together? Also, thus far, no close-up on French nails, but I know that they're there.
WAIT, WAIT, I WAS WRONG. 4:14, FRENCH NAIL CLOSE-UP.
Again, nothing going on...
Why do I feel like this is gonna end up seeming about as long as Space Nuts? And as the credits go on, I'm starting to think that Ex-Roommate, Man and Beehive aren't the only women in this. I mean, we already have Stairbang, and there have been a few more since then. Also, love it that whoever the newest chick is has a little chain around her waist -- where I work in Africa, the chain is there because only the husband is supposed to see it. All little girls are given the chain when born, but only their parents are supposed to see it until they get married. Not in America :D! Yay for cultural sacrilege!
Another chick in a wedding dress, more bangery, butthole pleasures, more 1950s... GOD, FINALLY WE BEGIN.
So apparently in the 1950s, the government was scared of the Soviets and their possible ability to attack Americans with alternate weapons like disease, so they decided that they were going to train a force to destroy the Soviet body from within; the only living member of this operation is named Weiß (or Weiss, whatever). So the narrator, a writer, meets Weiß at a diner to talk about some dead guy named John Black who apparently spearheaded the entire campaign. It appears that the campaign involved LSD and the use of prostitutes for 'clandestine use'.
AND the first Dr Strangelove reference is at 9:39 talking about infiltrating the water supply.
Then there's like a solid fuckin' minute of doing random circle taping around this chick:
Most of it, of course, had already taken place in the credits. In fact, for most of this section, the shit had already taken place in the credits. They say that you see the best parts of a movie in the credits. Please God don't let that be the case here, or I'm in for amazing boredom.
Same music as the beginning... I need to find some way to catch the music here because it's quality. God, and I hate it when porn women break the fourth wall.
I swear to God, this entire movie is going to be about suits, wedding dresses and engine rooms.
Haha, the sound of butt slapping. That's something I missed, hahahaha. Thwunk thwunk thwunk thwunk... that and the very, very awkward moaning and random 'fuck!' thrown in. Is that supposed to make it sexier or something?
Wait, what... what the hell?
Are we trying to be artistic or something? And it is as I am typing this that I come to the conclusion that the woman in this scene has very nice, real breasts. Bravo, porn girl.
And my dog gives me that exact look when she wants something. You know, daft. She usually has a ball in her mouth th-- haha, wait, right.
Scene ends and we finally get some dialogue. Russian girl is talking to Black and he's talking about some package she got for him. Black drops some acid, Russian girl tells him it's shit, so on, so forth, Russian girl leaves.
We cut to a police station where there are three guys doing work and one random woman who's just there. Narrator talks about how Weiß was given the task of testing the drugs because Black told him that was the best way to brainwash people. Apparently early in the testing, there was a dude named Agent Tanner who had the drugs tested on him and died from it. They go through the whole drugging-him-up scene, have two girls banging him, and then we're back in the engine room with that damn chair. What is with that chair?
Anyway, the girls doing him are Ex-Roommate and Beehive... I think.
I think they should outlaw patent leather and these long-ass scenes were nothing happens but a girl fisting herself. I also think we should outlaw this one's face:
I don't see what any of this has to do with Agent Tanner dying. And I swear to God I'm never getting French nails again.
Ah, Agent Tanner shows up again bare naked and tied to a post!
Blow jobs, bitchslaps, the ever-present weird smacky noises, Beehive's motherfucking hair (bitch needs some deep conditioning), eventually some awkward sex conversation ('AUGH, ROCK IT' and 'GET FUCKING FUCKED' are a couple of personal faves), some dominance ('SHE LIKES TO BE FUCKED LIKE A FUCKING DOG, SO FUCK HER')
And I want a veil like this. MAKE IT SO:
As opposed to Wedding Dress Chick 2 earlier, these two girls have the worst boobjobs ever. They insult me. I mean, come on:
The dimpling on the side!
'FUCK YOURSELF ON ME'
'OH YOU FILTHY FUCKIN' ANIMALS'
And this one's just classic:
Goes back to the faux hotel room where they were doing the testing and Weiß is asking Tanner if he has anything to tell him. He says no, freaks out, shoots himself WITH NO BLOOD OMFG MAGIC
Random washing scenes, Wedding Dress Chick 1 dancing in a fountain, Weiß (or Black, Christ, I can't tell the difference) freaking out during an acid trip and talking to mirrors. Dude tells the mirror that it can come and take a piece of him 'cause he's not scared, then Stairbang (aka WDC1) appears. Natural breasts and the stupidest music ever (it seriously has a chick going bing, bong, bing, bong)! And ice on nipples. She has a weird labia.
Yes, yes, we're all happy too. Get a fuckin' dye job.
Awkward switch yet again: now we have Ex-Roommate, Beehive and Dude in Chair. Same shit as before, absolutely no explanation at all. Ex-Roommate and Beehive really like each other, lulz.
During the randomness, there's a sound clip saying 'no one had a bad trip, it was all very good' over and over and over again.
If I weren't looking directly at this woman's vag, I would swear to God she was a trannie.
You know, this could actually be a pose for a piece of classical art if it weren't for the fact that she's about to lick that glass dildo that she just shoved into the vag of another woman.
Okay, regardless of vagina on this one, there is no way that's a woman. That's like... a post-op transvestite. I mean, look at the hips! The muscle structure! Hell, there's probably even an Adam's apple hiding somewhere in there!
Okay, thing between Black and Beehive, blah blah blah... why is this woman getting so much screentime? Her face is like a foot!
The faux hotel room makes another appearance with ANOTHER ugly woman:
Conditioner, people! And she actually appears to have no eyebrows -- they're drawn on. Anyway, she gives a blow job to a Russian agent, who kisses her every now and then when she comes up for a breath. There's something disgusting about that like when your dog licks his ass then tries to lick your face.
And then some dude comes out of the bed:
It's like a rock show!
And the background music (God, I can't believe I know this) is part of the song Drop the Bomb on Dance Dance Revolution. And she has a chipped nail that's bugging the shit out of me.
This goes on for seriously like ten minutes and the fact that the background music is Drop the Bomb drives me insane. I mean, DDR guys. Now I'll never be able to play Drop the Bomb without thinking about this chick's shit hair and chipped nail. WHY. Long story short, Russian dude dies.
Cut back to Black's house, the Russian chick is there playing billiards as three guys watch her. Is it really sexy to watch a woman play billiards or something?
Oh boy, and then a gangbang!
That has to itch like a motherfucker.
Heh, it looks like he's praying.
Okay, and this is something I've never seen before. The guys spit in the women's mouths before blowjobs. Is this a new phenomenon?
Anyway, double blowjob. And the background music keeps saying 'je t'aime', which is just wrong. Speaking of French, ménage à trois with a voyeur!
Russian girl also LOVES bitchslapping herself in the face with guys' penii, damn. Also, oddly enough, she appears to be bleeding after being banged by one of the guys. Didn't think that was possible with porn stars. Lastly, double penetration:
Narrator says that Black was a shit and that he perpetrated a bunch of crimes against Americans, whatever.
THE SHORT AND THE THICK: I watched that entire thing from beginning to end and I still have absolutely no fucking clue what was supposed to be accomplished with this plan. It had such potential. Also, this was not like any acid trip I've ever been on heard of.
THE GOOD: The makeup? The Russian girl's eyes, but I think they might be contacts. If they aren't, then awesome. Also enjoy that chair.
THE BAD: Just like Space Nuts, the length. Three hours of absolutely no storyline. I wanted waaaaay more Dr Strangelove, dammit!
THE UGLY: Beehive and Ex-Roommate. Actually, most of the women, now that I think about it.
CONTAINS: Voyeurism, ménage à trois, double blowjob, blowjobs galore, double entry, dominating, muff-diving, pearl necklaces
GREAT FOR...: People who are actually wanting to watch porn for the sex, I guess.
TIME TO FRENCH NAILS: 4:14