The DVD menu has some hot sex and then we're off!
It's a lovely evening. There's a fire crackling in the fireplace as a man and woman make sweet, sweet love to some classic babymaking music. The scene is dark, just the very surfaces of their bodies shown in the firelight. But lo! A promising thing!
Pubic hair! We have a sign of a good, old-fashioned porno! The voice-over is actually pretty romantic, talking about a couple named Charli and Jack.
Charli drives down the street in a little white convertible Beetle with her sheepdog, arriving at the beach and taking her for a walk. It all seemed very promising in terms of names until we get this gem:
Thanks, Captain Video, for ruining the serious mood here.
So Charli finishes walking the dog and comes home to her husband washing the car. They have a serious conversation about how their marriage is having problems because he's too busy. It gets really uncomfortable and pretty sad, at least in my view, as he asks for his beer back and she wanders into the house.
That night, they're laying in bed watching television.
Jack suddenly seems to have an interest in being sensual but Charli just wants to watch Johnny Carson. In his mind, he begs her to ask for him to fuck her, but instead of having her say it, he instead gets this random apparition:
Charli finally turns off the television with a long sigh and gives in. For some reason, however, the scene keeps changing from this:
... to this:
... and back again.
You know, it's really, really nice to actually hear what people are saying. The black-haired woman tells Jack that she's going to come at the same time that Charli is imploring him to hold off because she wants to come. Unfortunately, he cums in time to the fantasy...
... and Charli is left saying 'keep going, Jack! Keep moving!' She is displeased:
She gave him the most incredibly serious, icy good night ever. She next morning, he wants a redo, but she tells him that he's running late and he can just gtfo for all she cares.
In the bathroom, they talk about how Charli has changed since she started working at a health club. Apparently she used to work for an insurance company and hated it, but now that she's working at the new place, she has a go-to friend to discuss all of her problems.
At work, Charli leads an aerobics class with lots of crotch shots.
Afterwards, Charli and her friend Janet discuss how Jack's been more focused on his job than he's been on Charli. Some other chick says that she thinks that Jack's cheating on Charli and that's why he's been so distant.
At Jack's job, he complains about the same thing to a coworker named Al but at the same time projects all energy on the peeping of Susie's breasts:
His coworker says that Susie is interested in him despite the fact that he's the only one who doesn't pay her any mind. She obviously doesn't get the message though.
He admits to Al that he's been wanting to have some variety in the bedroom because 'sex with the same person can get stale after six years'. Al asks if he's just not getting any and Jack replies that no, he does, but every time he wants to try something new, Charli just doesn't get into it.
Cut to Charli and Janet... and Charli saying that Jack doesn't want to try anything new, but she notices that from time to time, it seems like he's really getting into it. Janet says that it's a sign that there's something there, but the chick who said he's cheating says that it's because he's thinking of another woman. Charli laughs and says that Jack doesn't have a good enough imagination for that.
Back at Jack's office, he's checking out Susie's ass nonstop and it turns out he DOES have an imagination:
A miracle!! He can even imagine a chick is sucking him off!
And that she's enjoying it so much that she's servicing herself!
And that they're fucking on filing cabinets!
And she says 'eff me' instead of 'fuck me'. It's so cute :D. Her sounds are all so incredibly real and cute, especially after all the shitty porns I've watched lately. He cums all over her then does a bee-line for the nipple.
Can we get an IRL Jack check all up in here again?
When Susie leaves, Jack asks Al whether he thinks that women like it soft or rough and Al responds that women like it as rough as possible because they want the men to one-up them. Al says that if you fuck a girl right, you'll see because she'll be back for more. Jack contemplates such a thing.
Unfortunately for Jack, at the same time, Charli is telling Janet that she'd prefer it if Jack was more gentle. Janet tells her that she needs to talk to Jack about it. Charli agrees because she's concerned that their marriage isn't going to last if they continue on like this. She asks Janet what she thinks that she should do to get through to him.
They go to a video store and some guy tells them they need to buy a porno, telling them that VCX (aka the company that produced this porn) makes the best porno titles.
On the way home, Charli makes a mental catalogue of what she has: video, wrapping paper, bra, panties, a new robe. She decides she has to be wearing it when he gets home and then starts to fanticise about how this will all work out. To the people in the porno last week, THIS is how you kiss:
It's very lovely with smiles, adoration and eating out followed by switching places and Charli giving him little kisses on his Adam's apple followed by a blowjob. Somehow her little coy and delighted look up at him isn't as awful as modern day porno looks.
Jack gets home and comments on how Charli looks hot.
She gives him the tape and he puts it on in the VCR that my grandparents have, ugh. The porno starts to work its magic as Charli gives him a blow job.
Sadly, the combination of blow job and hot porn is too much for Jack and he gets off before Charli gets involved. She goes into the bedroom and cries.
She takes a shower, masturbating because Jack obviously isn't going to help her with anything.
The next morning, Charli has an internal monologue. She realises it's not supposed to be this way and wonders if she should tell him that she has to masturbate when he's not home but also realises that she'll never tell him. She act like nothing's wrong but knows that she'll need to do something eventually because she loves him so much.
At work, Janet tells Charli that she really needs to talk to him. She tells her that it makes her uncomfortable and continues on to say that Jack was the first person she loved and that she didn't learn about 'the facts of life' until after they were married. At his job, Jack has a completely different view of it, saying that 'we' really got into it but it was so odd because afterwards, she was moody.
Janet and Charli go to lunch and Janet tells her about this fling she had with a body builder. Janet apparently stayed after hours one night and 'worked out' with him.
I approve of this exercise routine and the fact that he looks like he's honestly gauging her response to everything he does.
See, the sex in old pornos is hot because they don't just show the genital area, they also show the responses of the participants. I guess they don't do it anymore because the porn stars really don't care.
After lunch, the girls go for a walk and Charli continues to express her concern about talking about sex. At the same time, Jack says that he doesn't like talking about sex to anyone but Al. Al says that he should just go ahead and cheat on her and that she should just accept it because men aren't actually in control of their libido and the want for multiple partners. Jack does want to cheat on her, that much he knows, but he does want it to be like when they were first married.
That night, Jack plays poker with a guys named Michael and Wayne, the latter whom wants to know where Jack's woman is because he wants food. Jack admits that he has no idea where she is.
At the health club, Charli complains about a sore back and Janet offers to give her a back rub, so she complies.
At home, Michael tells Jack that he should be nice to Charli because his wife left him for another guy after he ignored her. Wayne instead tells him that he needs to keep Charli on a tight rein because women like to be told what to do. Jack says that he trusts Charli and Wayne says that he should know where she is because she needs to get home and make them dinner.
At the health club, Charli starts fantasizing about having sex with Janet.
It's all very quiet and sensual. Janet pours some massage oil on her stomach and rubs it in slowly.
And we have penetration.
Janet carefully opens her labia and goes in to lick her clitoris. The music matches so well and really sets the mood. Back in the real world, Janet says that she's finished with the back rub and Charli tells her that she'll never actually know how good that felt.
On the way home, Charli tells the dog that Jack's been paying more attention to her than Charli. She has a conversation, wondering if she'd actually cheat on him if she had the chance. At the house, Michael asks what Jack would think if she was cheating and he says that it wouldn't work out for them because the passion isn't there. Jack continues to say that he feels like Charli isn't there a lot of the time when they're having sex and Michael asks him if he's there because it takes two.
Wayne continues to be a dick and tells him that she's hot and therefore probably cheating. Charli gets home and Jack is hateful to her. He ignores her, so Michael goes up and acts like a gentleman, taking part in small talk like asking about her job.
The next morning in the bathroom, Jack is still frosty and tells her to go to work when she tries to get sensual. She leaves the house and walks downtown, using a payphone to call Janet to ask for a favour -- she needs a shoulder to cry on. She meets her at a bar and says that it's not the talk that scares her but that his possible answers to her absolutely terrify her.
Charli calls Jack at work and he tells her that he won't be home for dinner. He claims that he has an hour's work left but instead starts to fool around with Susie. At the bar, Charli starts to leave and Michael comes, asking if she wants to get a drink and talk. He really wants to cheer her up, so he offers to take her for a ride.
At the office, Jack expresses concern as Susie unbuttons his pants.
As she tries to turn him on, he remains flaccid and admits that he's doing the right thing but with the wrong person. He leaves and Al gets to take his place. Driving home, he mentally punishes himself for giving in to the temptation and is glad that he stopped himself.
So back to Al.
She rubs his penis all over her breasts and licks his balls before he cums on her tits.
In her car, Charli and Michael discuss the problems with her marriage. Charli leaves the car to cry and Michael follows, hugging her and showing a great deal of concern before saying that Jack must be crazy for not wanting to pleasure Charli. They make out for a bit before Charli says it just doesn't feel right because she doesn't want to show affection like that with Michael -- she wants to be that way with Jack. Michael tells her that she really has to talk to him and show how much she loves him.
In his car, Jack suddenly realises that Charli's been trying so hard but he's been a real douche, not noticing her but instead another woman. He hopes that she'll continue trying and really wants to have another go. He gets home to find Charli sitting on the couch, excited that he's home early.
Jack says that he's sorry and hopes that it's not too late to try again. She says it's never too late, so they finally make passionate love.
THE SHORT AND THE THICK:
THE GOOD: Jack is pretty hot, the plot was great and I wanted to cry right along with Charli.
THE BAD: Al is a bad influence!
THE UGLY: Wayne. What a douche >O. Also, no one should have such a noticeable tan line for a Speedo. Bad tanning choice, Jack.
CONTAINS: Natural breasts, hetero sex, lesbian sex, blow jobs, attempted adultery, pubic hair!
GREAT FOR...: Everyone, but especially couples. It's a romance movie that just happens to be X-rated.
TIME TO FRENCH NAILS: Charli is far too good of a porn for French nails. A lot of the scenes had the women wearing nail polish but none were French.