The Pornosseuse (pornosseuse) wrote in thepornosseuse,
The Pornosseuse

Porn Weekend, Friday: Panty Raid

Yes, well... it is a porn, thanks.

First things first, this movie obviously takes place in Hawaii and the whole thing is so painfully 80s that it actually hurts me to watch it. A couple of guys pick up a girl from the airport. I'm sure that the first part has some important plot points, but unfortunately, whoever did the mixing made the music approximately three or four times louder than the speaking. But hey, panty shot!

Turns out the woman's name is Wendy. The two guys who picked her up get out of the car and tell a couple to 'get leid' as they put their lei around their necks, hur hur hur. They go into the hotel room and call their friends. When the one guy gets off the phone, they realise they don't know where Wendy is. Well, they quickly find her:

Whoever thought that you could match a bedspread and wallpaper is a douchebag. Come on, what the fuck!? I mean, yeah, if the thing's solid or something, it's moderately passable, but with a fucking vine pattern? Unacceptable. Anyway, the guys get super excited and decide to watch her a bit.

One of the guys goes into the living room and lets the other guy go ahead and have his way with Wendy.

And this guy... is so... fucking... hairy:

And so on and so forth:

By the way, the magical music playing during that last photo is priceless.

Back outside, the other guy (who is wearing just the most stylish sweatband) is sitting on a rock and some chick goes by him to get in the ocean. Dark music starts playing and she starts screaming, so he rips off his shoes and decides to go out to save her. Another riff of magical music and he saves her. You know, considering how shallow the water was where she was stuck, I'm going to say that maybe, just maybe, she shouldn't be swimming at all, especially sans water wings.

Back at the hotel or whatever, another guy has showed up, so all three of them talk about, you know, stupid guy stuff. One saved a girl's life, another saved a girl's pussy, you know, the normal stuff. Apparently the one who laid Wendy has set up a date for the guy who saved that girl's life. Cut to the next day, they're riding really gay-looking motorbikes.

They couldn't do better than that? Not exactly a vehicle I'd be envious of. Another long conversation that I can't hear anything of because the music is fuckin' loud. From what I can hear, apparently the guy who saved the girl's life just went through a tough break-up with his girlfriend Donna and isn't ready to make a commitment just yet. The guy who laid Wendy says that he just needs to snap out of it and get laid, then says that the girl he chose is just like Donna, but with bigger tits. Bigger Tits Donna is named Jackie, guy who saved life is Peter and the other guy is Barry. Hey, the guy in the last porn review was named Barry, woooo. The other Barry was much, much hotter though. I mean, look at this guy:

They go on some really long moto ride through the middle of nowhere, eventually ending up where their pussy motorcycles cannot go, so the girls decide to just have at each other. Yeah, shit, that's what I do when I can't get my car over something. Perhaps if I just strip the shirt off of my friend in the passenger seat, we can fondle one another until the path becomes clear! I love this convoluted logic!

The road will become even more clear if I do some nipple nipping!

Oh, wait, sorry, to make it all good, I obviously need to just get completely naked with said friend:

And, well, you know:

And the guys are chatting the entire fucking time, I swear to God. Blah blah blah blah blah, but of course I can't hear a single word they're saying because of the music.

... you know, the chicks are laying on bamboo spreads, but I can't for the life of me remember when said mats were laid down. Lack of continuity! And don't forget the boom mike!

Okay, then the chicks do something that I've never seen before. It's like... it's like that game that I used to play on the playground when I was younger, Spider. One kid would sit on the swing and then the other kid would sit facing her with her crotch up near the other's crotch. You know, like this:

'Can you feel my clit? :D'

After whatever the fuck that was, Wendy goes back to eating out Jackie, and Barry decides that he wants in.

Peter also joins in, but is too much of a prude to take his shirt off, not to mention he doesn't look like he's having any fun at all:

No clue why, but they're also all laughing the entire time they're giving the blow jobs. And damn, Jackie really gets into it. She's like cockslapping herself and everything.

Afterwards, they head back on their pussy-ass bikes talking about how awesome it was that they were both getting head at the same time. Have I mentioned these guys are brothers? That's just... ew. Maybe brothers are different than sisters because I can't/don't want to imagine getting off at the same time as my sister. Just thinking about it makes me want to off myself.

Back at the beach, Peter's being watched by two chicks as Wendy and Barry play some racquet game. Peter, of course, notices the most important thing about the women looking at him:

Of course, she's also grinding the ground when she does this, so... yeah. That might account for the staring. Barry suggests that Peter go help his one woman with her suntan lotion:

I don't know what's going on with that right boob, but I'm not entirely sure I like it. Peter's being decidedly asexual, saying that he came to the beach for the sun, not for the availability of poon. Seeing this one chick though, I have to say I wouldn't want to get near them either. You know why?


They talk and it turns out the succubus is from Redondo Beach. They have the most incredibly stilted conversation (that I can hear, oh my God, what a concept!) and then decide to go play 'dolphins' in the ocean. They run off behind some rocks and amazingly, their sex play is more believable than anything thus far. I guess they have to make up for their shitty acting when speaking with more physical acting.

And I have to say, there is just nothing more awkward than the dance the gluteus maximus does when a chick is being pounded from behind.

Back at the regular beach, the suntan lotion woman is casting glances at Peter. Barry dares Peter to go over and get the woman's telephone number. When he goes over there, he asks her for the time, not for her number, then tells the others that he even made a date with her for that night. Down a way, a couple of girls are exercising and Peter comes across them. He watches them with a really creepy grin before going into full-out daydream mode:

So basically Peter just really, really needs to get laid. Barry and that Hawaiian guy discuss this saying that Peter needs more than just a one-night stand to get over Donna. Jackie makes another appearance as they sit on the deck of their hotel. Wendy and Barry are, of course, totally getting into it, but Peter's completely aloof as always. Jackie, hoping to break him, takes him inside for a striptease.

And Jackie looks exactly like my friend Michelle in that picture which really, really freaks the fuck out of me. Her awkward striptease with self-provided music helps though because soon Peter finally pounds her, thank God.

I love how much this chick gets into it. It's fucking hilarious. I mean, when he finally squirts, she rubs his cum ALL OVER HERSELF. That has to be so sticky and so disgusting; you know, I don't even want to think about it. I hate getting sticky.

Hawaiian guy and the Succubus are having a conversation. Succubus explains that she loves watching other people have sex. You know, she really reminds me of Beth from The 40 Year-Old Virgin. She's the same insane freak. Turns out that the woman on the beach was the woman that Peter saved and so they fall in love or something. Whatevs. I just find it funny how he's like 'awww, I want to kiss you' and then ends up basically trying to become one with the bronchioles of her lungs. What a sweet first kiss, how cute.

Product placement!

This portion of porn brought to you by Orange Crush.

So they have at it by the creek or whatever. Eating out, straight sex, all that. Exciting.

Why does this guy never take his shirt off? Is he horribly deformed or something?

Okay, so that apple. He decided before eating it that he had to rub it up her thigh and then around her asshole. This is just asking for microbial infection. I mean, yes, the rectum has flora that are normal for it, but once in the mouth, just... no. Bad porn actor, bad! So he eats the apple and the entire time he's banging her, he's eating the apple and saying 'this is the life'. Um... 'kay. Before taking another bite, he rubs it all over her pussy. What the hell, eh? He decides after he runs out of rubbing surface that he should just throw it in the water.

And his nuts are smaller than my dog's nuts, and my dog is neutered.

And just like the chick before, this woman rubs his jizz all over herself. What is this? So a few seconds later, Peter is talking to Barry and they decide to attend a luau and some party on Kimo's boat (at least I think that's the Hawaiian guy's name...).

In a completely unporn way, the girls talk about how much that one girl (Candy?) is in love with Peter. Barry and Peter decide to stop talking about mrgh and come back to have at the wimmins. Everyone pairs off and the Hawaiian guy's freak woman says that she wants to watch.

Huge orgy scene or whatever. Barry jizzes on three girls at once:

And Peter ends up with the girl, and everyone's happy, and it's like a really fucked up version of Grease or something.

THE SHORT AND THE THICK: This was basically a very tasteful version of whatever spring break porn set you'd find these days. Pretty good camera work I suppose, a little bit of a story, et cetera.

THE GOOD: The 1980s flair.
THE BAD: The 1980s flair.
THE UGLY: Barry was not pleasant to look at. And 1980s hair is just awful.

CONTAINS: Lesbians, hetero, butthole pleasures, blowjobs, striptease, orgy, sex on the beach.

GREAT FOR...: Probably everyone. It was pretty well done.

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