The Pornosseuse (pornosseuse) wrote in thepornosseuse,
The Pornosseuse

Behind the Green Door

I knew this one was gonna be awesome when the DVD menu looked like a masquerade.

Okay, so it starts and there's some random dude driving and whistling. He sees a mighty beacon in the distance and it bids him forward with an important message:

He heeds the message of the Neon and decides that yes, he would fancy a bite to eat. So he pulls up to a diner and does a typical meet-and-greet with the waitress and some guy sitting at the bar, then the chef comes out and talks about some kidnapper in the area. As the chef fills their coffee cups, he asks that the guys tell him the story of the Green Door. The guys, however, aren't so sure they want to tell him.

After some deliberation, the old guy agrees to tell about the Green Door, but only if the chef will warm up his coffee. And so, of course, there's a perfect transition to the next scene:

And it slowly reminds me of the opening scenes of Manos: The Hands of Fate, except for the fact that there are actually opening credits with classic names like this one:

So Marilyn Chambers is driving in a v. cute Porsche in the countryside. She arrives at a hotel and is told by a completely shady guy that he hopes she'll enjoy her time there. Once she walks away, he calls some guy to tell him that she's there. It cuts to the guys from the diner talking and Marilyn comes and sits behind them.

The old guy goes on and on about something that happened years ago and Marilyn just kinda smiles and stares. Long musical interlude, lots of views of the patio where the three of them are sitting. Night comes and some random dude shoves a girl (perhaps Marilyn?) into his station wagon and drives off. Cut to a party and the two guys from the diner, and we have another guy I'll call Moustaches McGee:

Moustaches scares the guys by exploding a football. He asks grimly what they want and they apparently have reservations -- and we learn that young guy is named Barry Clark. And hey! His reference is Jon Stewart! Damn, son! Barry'd apparently been there before, but not old guy. They're given masks and Moustaches snaps a chick named Coco for 'em. She takes them into the bowels of whatever this place is, and suddenly, masquerade! Or mimes! Whatever!

Whatever it is, I can see this going downhill very, very quickly.

Clown-mime-chick does a little dance for them, woo hoo, then it cuts to a nasty alleyway. The kidnappers appear with the girl, who now has her own masquerade mask. They take her into a room that reminds me of A Clockwork Orange.

There's a random woman in there who asks Marilyn to not be afraid.

And in their discussion, we find out that Marilyn's character's name is Gloria. The woman unties her and tells her to relax, explaining that she was once in the exact same position and that everything's going to turn out all right. So she lays back and tries to relax.

The woman gives her a massage to help her relax, eventually getting to the party zone.

She moves up and up until she rolls down Gloria's shirt and we get a view of -- gasp! -- real breasts!

Back in Mimeville, one of the mimes is 'putting on rouge' as the varied crowd watches her. She tries on different faces and shit as everyone lights cigarettes and generally stares.

And now we get into the fun stuff.

'Ladies and gentlemen, you are about the see the ravishment of a woman who has been abducted. A woman whose initial fear and anxiety has mellowed into curious expectation. Although at first, her reactions may lead you to believe that she is being tortured, quite the contrary is true, for no harm shall come to those being ravished.'

'In the morning, she will be set free, unaware of anything except that she has been loved as never before.'

'Perhaps you recognise one of your friends in the role of victim. Remember, you are sworn to observe silence. If you break this rule, you will be dealt with severely. So, with the knowledge that you are powerless to stop the performance, just relax and enjoy yourself to the fullest extent.'

And thus, the ravishment begins!

And... no one seems excited about it!

Except for the performers of course.

After the warm-up, we get the man coming on complete with jungle music woooo. Hot jungle love. And in TIGHTS!


He does a little dance on the stage before going to the pile of women. They welcome him and present the offering of poon.

He does a thorough examination of the area, taking careful sniffs before eating.

Finally the spectators begin covertly rubbing themselves and showing at least a little interest in the going-ons. Some dude starts rubbing at his girlfriend as she grabs at her breasts, et cetera. And we have entry!

And porno music doesn't even start playing until 33:32! Lots of close-ups, mostly of kissing and her reactions to what's going on. I have to say, the music goes along perfectly with the rhythm of the thrusts.

And now for the reactions from the spectators!

As the spectators look on, this weird-ass contraption falls from the ceiling and three men get on it. The helpers lower Gloria down onto a guy and she begins sucking off the guys on the trapezes. This makes the spectators v. excited.

I would like to rate this a 7.4 on my wtf scale:

It's like... getting off in stereo or... something. By this point, the spectators are v. pleased indeed.

And God, I wish I could get an animated gif of this... a dude literally goes muff diving into the chick who looks like that girl on All That:

Stop! Orgy time :D!

Lots of banging, lots of eating out, a sort of oddly-shaped nipple...

A guy who looks like a Mennonite:

Some butthole pleasures, chain bang, et cetera. Full-out orgy, seriously. Hedonism at its best.

And then... a way you know something's about to become completely and utterly classic: slow. motion.

Guy banging Gloria does the pullout method:

Guy 1 on trapeze squirts twice:

And this, by the way, is one of the most awkward things to watch in slow motion. There's just nothing graceful about it at all, and the entire time the music is like this creepy gothic clanging. She headbangs the penis then gives it a nice nuzzle.

More even slower motion spurting, this time on Gloria.

Everything goes black and red then we get the artistic blue-and-red spurts over the double profile of Gloria:

And more art:

A guy picks up a girl and takes her through the Green Door -- it switches back to the diner and the old man says that was the last time he saw those two. Barry drives off, obviously thinking about getting a blowjob from Gloria and visa versa before just havin' at it.

Yay, it's like a happy ending. Or... something.


THE GOOD: Everything was good, actually.
THE BAD: Don't really like clowns or mimes, and the beginning had too much mime.
THE UGLY: Actually, I liked all of the people too.

CONTAINS: Rape fantasy, lesbians, triple jackoff, orgies.

GREAT FOR...: Everyone. In fact, this is the first porn that I'd recommend for a couple wanting something to have sex to.

TIME TO FRENCH NAILS: n/a. After all, this is the 70s, and that's back when porn wasn't a joke.
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